Thoughts · Uncategorized

With Unclenched Hands

It’s been a while since I’ve been on here.  Kind of sad that I didn’t update this as much as I would have liked to, but maybe I can be a little more regular now. So here goes nothing.

“cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you” – 1 Peter 5:7

Every time I read this, it sobers me. Let me explain

For the past few months, I’ve been stressed. Like really stressed, and most of it has been caused by me. Whether it’s the complications of friendships, the constant pressure of trying to decide what I want to major in and make career out of for 35+ years, feelings of inadequacy and shame because I judged myself instead of kneeling at the Cross and letting God be the Judge, stress is never fun.

But those stress levels have been amped up tenfold mainly because I haven’t been submitting everything under the authority of the Lord. I have the mindset of a planner. I hate looking into the future and seeing a gray fog clouding my vision of what things will be like. That’s my greatest area that God has constantly been working in me, but this summer I really fought Him on it. It even got to the point that during the night, I’ve been woken up with no feeling in my hands because I was clenching them so incredibly tightly, and a soreness in my jaw from gritting my teeth throughout the night. Night after night this would happen, causing me to sit up late into the night overthinking things, often tp the point of seeing the sunrise.

I had catharsis: Why? Why am I worrying about this? As a child, I never worried about whether my parents would give me a roof to sleep under _ I just trusted they would. I never worried about whether they’d provide me with food to eat – I simply lived in expectation of what it might be.

Who am I to expect any less of my Heavenly Father? It was as if in the natural, I was trying to play God while saying I was trusting God. I was holding onto my life with both hands saying “don’t worry god, I’ve got this”. So I did all I could do: I let go. I handed it all over to God – ALL of it. My future, my friends, my time, my will. As a child of God, I’m no longer a slave to sin. But now, I’m free from myself. All this is possible because He cares for me.

That night, I fell asleep peacefully. I slept through the night and have every night since. ; And I’m able to do that because it’s not my responsibility anymore; it’s God’s. A lot of time has gone by, and I’m still nowhere close to  having all the answers, yet I still feel as though I’m led by still waters and my soul is refreshed.

The mountaintop feels so refreshing and reviving, but it’s in the valleys that God teaches us the most about Himself and ourselves.

Trust. The lowlands had taught me to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not unto my own understanding; it’s one thing to skim over that line, it is another to live it out. I was faithful in whatever little opportunity that was presented, I worked hard at whatever was set before me, but at the end of the day my life was my God’s.

Allow yourself to be broken; if you don’t and if you are pursuing God then He will break you. It’s for your own good. I can promise you that God will meet your needs, but I can’t promise you that it will be in your timing, or will look exactly like you wanted it to. I can promise you that God loves you, but I can’t promise you that He will give you everything you want because there are lessons in life we just need to learn and there is character He wants to build. There is a better life waiting if you will just let go of all you are still holding onto. Live with unclenched hands.

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